Together but Alone

Together but Alone…

Poem dedicated to D.I.D (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

woman-travel-alone

You guys want to come out

but I fight you so hard.

You want to walk with me hand in hand, 

but I am so scared of that.

Then finally you come here,

thinking you are protecting us.

You think you are my savior,

but instead you are the one

that is sinking my life.

Then the little one comes out

just to paint or to cry.

Yes! To cry , to cry so hard…

for all those years 

that I held my tears back.

All of the sudden I wake up

with my chest tight and a guilt

that is too heavy

and I don’t want to carry it all my life.

All because I know 

that together we walk,

but alone I will always stand.

Cause you all are making sure

that in the end 

there is no one

but us…

The lady, the protector and the child.

Walking around hand in hand.

Original piece by:  Ormarie Aldoyn Ruiz

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Behind my d.i.d story

With this post I just want to address a few things so people can understand better how it is to live with this disorder. This disorder really makes me feel lost whenever I experience an episode.  I’m going to share a list of how do I really feel about this.

  • Is really frustrating waking up and literally not knowing what’s been happening maybe yesterday or the past few days (the feeling is horrible).
  • My memory play tricks on me all the time, for example I can say to Joel, my husband: Honey…I want to see that movie, but then he look at me and say “baby, we watched  that movie 2 days ago”…So most of the time I end watching the same movie over and over and it will feel as the first time, unless I watch it in my normal self.
  • Is so embarrassing for me to go out acting like a Diva with a full makeup on when “Marie” is around, and go on a shopping spree spending my husband’s money reckless, just because she likes to piss him off. This devastates me, because I’m not like that.
  • Is extremely sad whenever the little girl shows up (Marita). How do I know this? Well, because I have seen drawings of her that are completely disturbing to me, and recently my husband showed me for the first time a video that he took of her and I couldn’t contain my tears. I don’t like that Joel & my daughter have to deal with that kind of trauma.
  • Sometimes I have called my husband to let him know that I don’t know how I got to a place or why I was there, thank God it happened just a few times.
  • I hate that I have  lost a few therapy and psychiatrist appointments because “Marie is around and she doesn’t want to go” Then when the Dr call she just say to them that I don’t need them…No, is not funny at all!
  • I hate that frequently my husband have to cancel dinners with friends or other activities because I haven’t been myself that day.
  • Although I love to see pictures of our family, some of them are so confusing to me,  because not remembering that you were there, but the picture proves that you were indeed, it make me feel lost!
  • I can feel the stress and preoccupation that my husband & daughter experience day by day, even though they say they’re just fine, I know it has to be affecting them in some way & not knowing what to do to completely control this, makes me feel guilty of having this disorder.
  • But the worst feeling is just knowing that it can happen again.
  • On the positive side I know that not all the time the experiences are bad or traumatizing, for example: my daughter enjoys the company of “Marie” specially when she’s happy, Camille says that “Marie” is funny and silly and loves to take her shopping, also sometimes “Marita” shows up, just to do some coloring with her & she even let her to play with her hair…actually I found a picture of her with almost 15 bows on her hair and a weird makeup that Camille put on her. That picture had been taken approximately 5 years ago.

Something  that makes me feel better about this, is that I’m working so hard to overcome this, I’m following the therapy, I’m getting informed, I read a lot obviously from credible resources, I try my best to identify if something can be a trigger so I can evade those, I have great amount of help from my immediate family,  but most importantly I also take care of my other disorders with the medication that I need. As you already know I have Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, trichotillomania, General Anxiety & D.i.D, but you know what? This doesn’t make me less of a human, this illnesses have make me a stronger person who is passionate about helping others to understand that people like me exist and we are, good daughters, great sisters, good wife’s, devoted mothers & understanding friends.  Knowing that you have stay here for us even when we aren’t here for you, that’s more than enough and we really appreciate it
Sincerely,

Ormarie

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